Last night as I was laying in bed, frantically trying to sleep, I had a panic attack.
When I sat bolt up-right in bed, heavy breathing and crying, Matt woke up, rubbed my back and held me tight, deep breathing with me. At the risk of sounding a bit nuts, at that point in time, Matt seemed yellow to me. Completely bright yellow. As I held my head close to his chest trying to calm down, it was like he was this ray of sunshine in the blackness. Literally and metaphorically. It was only when I began to calm down that I realised, of course he's not actually yellow, but he seemed it.
The point of what I'm trying to get as is, what is the yellow in your blackness?
For me, it's love and family. But thinking even deeper than that, it's the things I get joy from at the moment. I'm off work, hardly able to do things, yet I found a re-kindled passion for writing. I could so easily get swept up with the blackness of this illness, but writing has become my yellow.
I could (and sometimes do - I'm only human) sit and wallow, thinking of all the things I wish I was doing and feeling bitter about the things I'm missing out on. Or, I could reflect and be grateful for what I've got.
Sick leave could be misserable and easily consume me in a black hole, but it has given me the opportunity to realise my passions. Without time off, never would I have realised how much I enjoy tapping away at my computer, words flowing out of my fingers. I wouldn't have felt I had the time to write, even if I did realise I enjoyed it.
I've been brave and I've begun to write a book. I know it's not climbing a mountain or skydiving, but I say brave, because I so easily could become riddled in self-doubt and feel like I'm not good enough and give up writing it or never even start. But if you have a passion, just go with it. I have no idea if the book will even get to the stage where anyone ever reads it, or whether it will just stay my little thing on my computer. I hope I finish it... I feel I at least owe that to myself. I can't explain to you the warm buzz I get in my heart when I'm working on it.
I'm trying to make the most of my sick leave and writing has become my yellow.
So, find the light in your tougher times. Or even if you're not having a tough time, what lights your spark? Reflect and make time for your yellow. You won't regret it.